Identity Shift

What does it mean to let go of an identity? This is a question I am facing as I transition from my solo creative practice from last semester to a group piece called Achtung!…Identity Crossing (2019) for my final thesis performance. The choreographic feedback I have received thus far from artists and teachers such as John Jasperse, Juliana May and Beth Gill is that I need to let go of my solo and recognize what the current identity of my group piece has become. Although the group work is based on ideas of duality, culture, language, code-switching that also inspired my solo last semester, the group work has evolved into a new complex matrix of different bodies, ideas, accents, and movement styles that don’t necessarily mirror my own. Instead of shying away from these differences, my goal is to lean into these complexities and figure out a way for everyone to experience the piece from their own perspective. I am struggling to define how exactly I want the dancers to feel and express themselves in the work…because I myself am still figuring it out.

What I know:

1. The piece is about community and individuality – showing unison and separation through movement, lighting, spacing, and timing. Elements such as the unitards, multiple spoken languages, caution signs and rhythmic ticking unite the group and create an underlying undercurrent of cohesion within a greater choreographic structure.
2. The work acknowledges cultural expectations and stereotypes (ie. German precision, efficiency, no-nonsense) and challenges them through serious performance of these characteristics. I am questioning what it means to “expose” these aspects of cultural norms and expectation on stage.
3. The work aims to address the contemporary discourse on identity politics. I use personal experiences, memories, and emotions to demonstrate the tethering that occurs when associating with plural identities.
4. The work isn’t just about me. It is about understanding how and why I am different through a dance making and research.
5. I am still not as articulate as I want to be about the work… I need to think more deeply and reflect on the impact of the group performance.

I am not sure if I am letting go of my solo identity, but rather accepting myself as a part of the group. In fact, it feels like the perfect end to my thesis – the answer I’ve been searching for. Being a part of a group of people that also have experienced cultural code-switching from German to Swiss-German, English to French and French to German is precisely what I am trying to explain. Feeling physically fluid and simultaneously trapped by society. Choreographically I am letting go of elements of my solo from last semester in the sense that I’ve eliminated the dripping clothing, the transition into the brown dress, the intimate conversation between me and my Oma playing as I seem to lose control. However, I have moved on from these experiences and found community in the process of letting go. I’ve gained three moving bodies experiencing the in-betweeness and stuckness with me on stage. What more can I ask for?

Environment is Everything

Working with a group of dancers means having more perspectives in the studio, which is both exciting and challenging. I have discovered that this new environment means I must navigate the rehearsal space in a way that is respectful and very direct. This is a new territory for me.

Below are my choreographic observations with regards to the video clip of rehearsal linked to the title. Please read the questions and then watch the video.

1. How to make the various parts of the piece flow together and overlap – what does it mean to layer choreography? Is this the same as layering identities? How does this emerge in the overlapping counting section in the beginning of the work?

2. What do the caution signs means? They say “Achtung, Caution, Attention”? Do they symbolize something? Are they merely moveable/functional objects? What/ who are they cautioning against?

3. What is my relationship to the other dancers? Are they part of me? Am I part of them? Are we a community?

4. How do the dancers relate to one another? Through energetic intentionality? Focus? Desire? Artistic identity? Unison movement? Spatial orientation?

5. How are all of the dancers different from each other? How can I show the unique perspective of each dancer/artist without losing my focus on German-American relations in the work?

6. What does it mean to use artistic “camp” in a work? How do you “sell” it through performance? Are we as performers falling into our own trap? What is the purpose of camp? Am I pointing to cultural stereotypes/ expectations?

As I enter into this second phase of my PaR thesis project I am searching for new ways to relate my personal code-switching experience to the reality of others. In order to explore and research this, I am currently working with three additional dancers – all of whom speak 2 or more languages. This was an important component in choosing to collaborate with other artists because my project is so deeply related to the physical experience of switching between cultural identities and norms. In my current group rehearsal process, I am working on using the unique experiences and backgrounds of my collaborators to generate a basic vocabulary for the work. This vocabulary is a foundational tool in laying the groundwork for jumping off into various choreographic ideas and approaches. As of right now, I am using theatrical elements from my solo experience making this work and incorporating new elements. My current materials list looks like this:

1. Yellow caution signs in multiple languages
2. Silver unitards
3. Broom handles
4. Talking in German, English, French, Swiss-German and Spanish
5. Pop-culture references (music & lighting)
6. Signing (by performers)
7. Historical references to German culture from the 1990s (musical artist group “Die Prinzen”)

I am not entirely sure where this next stage in the process is leading me, but so far it has forced me to define who I am different than the dancers I am collaborating with. There are more voices in the studio now, more ideas and perspectives which is complicating my desire and vision for the work. This is also challenging my creative process because I want to please my dancers by making them feel heard in rehearsal, while simultaneously trying to research and push them to try on my perspective… I am not sure if this is translating because we have different experiences.

What does it mean to have a fragmented identity? Is it possible to be fragmented?

These are my questions after having performed my piece for various audiences over the past couple of weeks. As a performer, I do not feel fragmented, but my identity does have a multiplicity/plurality to it, which makes me feel as though I flow in and out of different identities. This concept of fluidity is a process that I am exploring right now in my writing for my MFA thesis.

What did I do?

Showing and sharing my work for the first time was exciting. I really enjoyed the experience of actually living in the moment on stage and noticing myself engage with the content of the piece in “real” way. It felt very autonomous to be so present on stage, like I could curate the perception of myself for the audience in the moment. I think it is exciting to share something so personal (identity) in such a public way (performance), which makes me think about my boundaries between public and private spaces. Is intimacy related to privacy?

Where do I go now?

Now that I am in a period of reflecting and writing about my experience performing Wildschwein (2018), I feel like I have space to re-imagine the work in a new way. I might end up wrecking my piece and creating a 2.0 version in which individuals (more performers) take on the structure and the theatrical elements of the first version. This makes me feel like I don’t need to start over from scratch, but that I can excavate and dive into the materials I already have in order to see where they lead me. Next semester I will be working with more dancers. I am interested in keeping my solo as an element of the work, but I am also interested in interspersing moments of “group-ness” into the piece.

Below are images of Wildschwein (2018) photographed by Ian Douglas

These images are from my latest rehearsal footage. As I near the end of the semester, I feel like my research is just beginning to evolve. Within the last month, I’ve decided to include another dancer in my work. Romana is from Switzerland and is fluent is German, English, Swiss-German and French. Her multi-cultural background and experiences are incredibly useful and provide a generative perspective for me on exposing and sharing multiple identities through space and language. Exploring the world of collaboration with another person who is familiar with the process of feeling tethered between two identities is so valuable. Romana and I have been discussing the challenges of fitting in and what it feels like to be made up of many different pieces throughout the rehearsal process.

Although the work is supposed to be a solo, I find myself desiring a duet instead. As the work continues next semester I hope to continue working with Romana and share my experiences with her as a way to further expose the liminal space between two worlds that we both inhabit.